I Am Tired

And for once, it isn’t a work related fatigue.

Yet again, a black person has been murdered by a police officer in America, and videos and photos of this have been widely spread across social media. If you haven’t been living under a rock for the last couple of days, you will know that this has sparked numerous protests around the world in support of the Black Lives Matter movement.

All of this has been quite overwhelming for me if I’m to be honest, and I’m writing this as a way to try and sort out my thoughts about everything, because it’s been a lot.

On one hand, I think it has been so great to see the pouring out of support for the movement, and the fact that more people are speaking about it now. Surely more awareness will bring us closer to enacting some real change?

On the other hand, the cynic in me is kind of angry. This is not a new issue. A lot of posts I’ve seen have had a recurring theme of denouncing how terrible things are in America, as if the only form of racism worth speaking out about is the overt type that leads to the death of black people. As if racism doesn’t exist in the UK.

I find it particularly ironic that these posts are coming from people I know who have dismissed and actually contributed to microaggressions in real life.

People who have treated black and minority ethnic children as props for their Instagram feeds during ‘volunteering’ holidays abroad. People who have told me I “don’t sound black,” as if it is compliment. People who have asked me to teach them how to twerk because I’m black and “must know how.” People who have said to my face that black people are “clique-y” for hanging out together when we were at uni, but made no issue of the majority of white friendship groups in our year.

People who referred to my sister as the “ghetto princess” at her college in Oxford, where she was one of a handful of black students. People who told her “black people can’t row because genetics”. People who assumed over and over again that she only got into Oxford because she was black.

The list goes on. These might seem like small things, but if you keep getting microaggressions like these daily, they eventually start to affect how you see yourself.

Medicine isn’t exempt: reports show BAME people are twice as likely to die from COVID-19. Black medics in the NHS earn less than their white colleagues, and healthcare bias is a real thing that means black patients can receive less pain relief, black women are more likely to die of heart disease as well as in childbirth, to give a few examples.

I guess it just comes across as performative in some cases. Sure, people can become educated and aim to do better, but unless you start calling out things in real life, and don’t just lend your voice to more “obvious” manifestations of racism, especially here in the UK, you (and I’m referring to non-black people here) are not doing enough.

I’m not posting much online right now because I am tired. I live and work in a part of the country where there aren’t many black people, so my everyday life (especially at work) involves speaking out about black issues, and it is emotionally and mentally exhausting.
I have had patients assuming I am a cleaner and insisting on seeing my ID. I have had patients and staff touching my hair without permission and been told by my seniors that it’s not a big deal because they were only admiring it.

Just today, I was told to take it with a pinch of salt, and focus on how privileged I am when I tried to explain that actually, being called a “good” immigrant for working in the NHS is not okay.

I was also told that the Black Lives Matter movement is trying to solve a problem that is “only human nature” because “discrimination is everywhere.” This same colleague also said that bringing up other non-Police related forms of racism re: Black Lives Matter is distorting the message because police brutality should be the focus.

Like I said, it is exhausting.

If you weren’t born in the UK/didn’t grow up here, you might be reading this and thinking that I’m complaining for nothing, and should be “grateful” for the life and job opportunities I have here. I know I am very privileged, and some of my colleagues, who have recently immigrated to the UK bring this up a lot. But being an immigrant doesn’t mean you should be treated as a second class citizen.

If you truly believe that Black Lives Matter, it shouldn’t just be about being against police brutality- it’s about treating black people as equal members of society and tackling structures that make achieving this more difficult.

So, yeah. That’s what I have to say for now.

So please consider what people (especially black people right now) might be going through before you start judging any of them for not speaking out “enough”. I’m doing what I can handle mentally at the moment, so don’t assume I don’t care because I’m not posting things on Facebook/Twitter/Instagram. Thanks.

(Here are a small selection of  some useful resources and places to lend your support:

Anti-racism resources

PETITIONS. PETITIONS. PETITIONS.

And if you would like to donate to some worthy causes, click here.)